See-through chains

What is it that stops us from changing our own selves?

What is it that makes me want to stop writing this damned thing, close my computer and just leave it for some telly even when I’m in front of the computer screen wondering what the hell it is that I am trying to get off my chest, thinking I ought to write this, thinking it will do me good, thinking I want to. One would think it ought to be relatively simple if it’s something one actually feels like one needs to do.

What is the reason behind this limbo state between feeling and doing?

What is it that stops me from picking up the phone and call a friend up when they haven’t returned a text message, even, when I really feel like going out for a drink to see other faces other than my own reflection in the mirror?
What is it that stops me from starting a particular task at work when I know it’s gotta be done in the end and which I feel like doing anyway, if not for the sake of enjoyment or work satisfaction, then just in order to be at peace with one’s self for having been responsible?
What is it that stops me from asking a girl out when all I seem to want to do is have some company, someone who one actually feels like one wants to be with, and someone who could want to be with one too?

Surely we would feel better if at least we did the things that we feel we should be doing, instead of messing about and merely wondering about the what-ifs.

So then, what is the reason for this particular state of self-harm?

Could it be laziness? Laziness to do, opting instead for a quiet moment of absent-mindedness? Laziness to adapt to new situations, which would translate into the fear of change, of adapting to uncertain and potentially volatile or rewarding circumstances, favouring the comfort of the routine and the known in its place?
Fear it might not amount to much, of underachieving, according to others’ perceptions and one’s own expectations. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of being a chicken?
Fear that something might actually turn out well. Fear that one’s not such a sad failure after all?
Or just plain old simple fear. Fear of everything.

I must admit, lately I’ve been fearing my own thinking, fearing my attitude and behaviour, fearing myself more than usual, fearing I will eventually get Me nowhere. And nowhere seems to be just round the bend.

Can I blame this state of affairs on anyone at all, to minimise my guilt of feeling this way? How about on society’s exerted influence on our upbringing? Perhaps a scientific view on the human condition? Maybe a godly given provision to test our will in order to transcend?

Frankly, I don’t give a toss anymore. Screw blaming others for my own shortcomings.

I just wanna flick that elusive magic switch. I’m tired of an OK feeling that basically denotes mediocrity. I want to start feeling good, I want to start feeling happy. I’d love to understand it but I’m tired of analysing it. I want to stop thinking. I want to start doing. I want to be less aware of myself… or do I actually just want to be ok with myself? I want to be free of my own shackles.

Perhaps the key lies in not wanting it to disappear but in letting it fade away.

I always want everything in one go.

Perhaps it’s time to lose the big switch and trade it for a dimmer.